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This is a message, from me, to myself.

Read this when you feel low or you need a break or you feel pressured.

Rijan. Don’t be afraid.

Love being out of the comfort zone. Growth is outside the comfort zone.

This itch you’re feeling, the things that you’re going through right now, this will make you strong.

I am mostly talking about work pressure here.

First state what happened. Why did it happen? What is that you’re doing wrong? Got a scolding from a senior? Did a stupid mistake that someone else noticed? Got a work that feels too hard to complete? Did you slack off and now deadline is too close? Need to understand and learn new things that feels like will take forever?

Whatever the case, first breathe… yes breathe… get calm because neither you’re going anywhere nor is this problem.

If we have to deal with this anyway, then why not deal with a smile on our face. Why not enjoy this process? We can right? See… you get it. Again, if the problem has to be faced and we have no choice of running away from it, why not face it with a smile and still give it fucking everything we’ve got.

Even thinking about this feels heavenly.

Rijan, you’re such a great guy. Everybody who knows you loves you. Now you need to show yourself some love. Love yourself. Do not let fear and anxiety slide in. Gatekeep your heart from those toxins. Rijan, keep your heart pure and clean, keep your body clean.

Right now, yes while reading this line, take a sip of water and take a very deep breathe, come on, do it and try to feel relaxed.

Good!

Haha, I am gonna say this one more time “lets fucking face the problem with a smile if we gotta deal with it anyway”

Analyze the problem

Rijan, what is the problem that you’re facing right now? What is it that is making you feel the way you feel? What is it that is making you wanna take a day off? First lets analyze it.

And also, taking a day off has never actually fixed it, has it?

Even in the current time (Nov 17, 2025) when I am writing this for the first time, is Monday and I have taken a day off because I was overwhelmed for the work that I am assigned with. Haha, pathetic right? When I come back to this journal a few years back, it must feel real pathetic. Hey future me! I am trying to grow everyday. I know I am lazy (hope you’re not haha), but I will try my best to improve and be hard working everyday, I promise you and promise myself to keep this promise.

Well, got a bit sidetracked there. Lets get to point again.

So, taking a day off is never the solution. If you really need the day off, you can but that need is rarely there.

Learn to work under pressure Rijan!!

Current scenario (the very reason i am writing this journal)

I got scolded by Tran for being slow in work. He often tells me I take too long to finish small tasks. I know I do but I really don’t know how to improve. To be honest I haven’t even tried by best to improve. Some fucking lazy bastard I am. If this continues, no way I am destined for good. I must change. Realize this Rijan. WE MUST CHANGE and that is to change positively (ofc you bastard).

So, I couldn’t deliver that lawpath-platform in lawpath-next docs that Tran asked me to do. I thought too much and ended up with no results. Overthinking might be a problem here. Instead of fucking analyzing and thinking of the perfect path for too long, I should just dive right in and figure out on the way. Or there is Tran or Sujan dai to guide me through if any mishaps happen.

Sitting outside the lake and accessing how deep it is and planning how to dive and swim for too long… fucking lazy coward. Don’t be like that.

I know it feels safe that way.

But once any senior says “hey what the hell are you doing all this time?” and you panick and then when you jump, you drown. There is so much pressure now.

Dont’t do that.

Instead of anaylizing too much at the beginning, just get in the water and start paddling or whatever, give it your all.

This feels less safer than before but this is how you learn. THIS IS IT DUDE. This is what you’re not doing.

THE MAGIC THAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR IS IN THE EFFORT YOU’RE AVOIDING.

So make that effort. And after that also you drown, which is less likely, then only seek help. Don’t seek help way before trying thinking that you’ll drown. Make strong mindset that you won’t drown and jump and try. Then if you do drown, there are seniors to help you. But you gotta try and push and give it your everything. Fucking everything.

Okay so again back to current scenario.

Now that I got scolded, I felt low. This is also effecting the next work I am gonna do which is refactoring the @lawpath-tech/pricing package. Everytime Tran asks me “What is your plan for the refactoring?”, I go blank. Like “what the fuck am I supposed to say?”

Never forget that feeling Rijan. That will remind you how much fucking weak you are.

You don’t even know the problem in the package you’re doing for the last 3 months. Pathetic… absolutely pathetic!!!!

So what is plan then?

I already have asked help from Sujan dai about the plan. He has given me some guidance. I should now start by understanding his guidance, go through the package today once more and try to find problems and places we need to refactor. Then only you’ll understand what and why to do certain things. Don’t blindly go and refactor just for the sake of refactoring. Not just because Tran said it, do it because you feel it needed refactoring. Then see the results later, they are gonna be way more awesome. awesomer.

So what tomorrow? (Nov 18 2025 (Tuesday))

No break or day off. Go and face the monster. Monster is Tran and the work you gotta do. Not actual monsters but think of as a game. There is dragon you have to slay. Taking a day off won’t make the dragon less easy to defeat or make it weak. You’ve got to fight and defeat it no matter how long you wait. So smile and get into the battleground.

No day off. Today take out that diary and open codebase. Go throught the entire flow. Understand it. Pinpoint problems that you feel need to be improved. No slacking off. Don’t take too long as well but understand what ever you go through. Try to a little faster. Make yourself believe you’re a fast learner and adapt and solve problems quickly. Fake it until you make it, haha, this is the way you’ve came so far and it’s not that wrong either so belive in yourself big boy and push.

Ok enough, even just writing this journal and not diving in feels safe so end this journal here now and start to fucking work.

Conclusion and takeaway

Rijan! Every step you take in this path made of burning coals, you are gonna get stronger. Staying at a checkpoint or waiting won’t make the coal burn your feet less. In fact the journey will seem bigger and you will feel more frightened to walk. Rather go at it. Step on that burning coal and walk. It will be hard cause it is supposed to be that way. Breathe, remember you dream, mom dad and keep pushing forward.

No day offs please! Cause it never solves your problem, rather it makes you weaker and the next day feels even more overwhelming.

Make your future self proud Rijan! Make me proud. Love yourself. But don’t make yourself weak. Grow strong. Have a strong mindset.

Signing off for today.