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I am going to write my heart out here today. About myself. Who am I? What is my purpose? Why do I feel this way? I am not happy right now and I feel like I am the only reason behind my own sadness.

What happened? What made me say so?

Everything was going smoothly or that’s what I thought. Life is all about ups and downs, I know that, but still I couldn’t full accept and realize the down-path my life going through. Every crest and trough makes a wave, so this trough is also important and I should be more open and accept this. But what happened? Well, I was scolded by a senior, this is where this all began. Tran, my senior at Lawpath, a very talented guy with immense skills. He is someone I respect. He scolded me for not working on time. He didn’t directly accused me of something but he got mad at me. He asked me to create a documentation for a pacakge in lawpath-next last week. Actually I was the one who said “let me do it Tran” and took the responsibility to do it. But after one week, I didn’t ahve anything to show to him. It was not like I was wasting all my day, not working on anything but the fact is also true that, this documentation work was very simple and could have been done in a hour or two but I kept overthinking. All he wanted was a simple readme file in markdown and I was there thinking about different things and trying to create all fancy docs like of some npm pacakge haha. I am a fool. Then last friday he asked about the documentation and said I took a week to do such a small thing, after which I said I haven’t given it time. And then he snapped and said this:

I felt so bad after this, I couldn’t answer him. I felt this surge of insecurity and inferiority slide into me and my heart felt so heavy. I was being accused of not working. I am not saying Tran was wrong, he might be totally right to have expected things from me. After all, this company is paying me a huge sum of money to work for them. I always have felt like I have hit the jackpot and this job, this job is solely due to my luck. I everyday feel like I am not enough and I do not deserver this much money. I was earning fuking 35 thousand. just that, that’s it. Even after all the side hustles, the highest I ever went on money I made in a month was just 80 thousand or so. Now this job alone gives me 2 lakhs per month. This is huge. I went miles ahead in a flash. This doesn’t feel real and such a jump has made me feel more and more insecure about myself. It has been more than 8 months in this job and my family and I, have grown dependent in this job. I can’t lose this job, can’t even think of losing this. I feel I wont be able to earn this much in a month ever again. not anytime soon and this feeling kills me everyday. And hearing words like this from senior kicks my heart and that fear of mine grows wilder. I am so fighting this. I can tell this to no one, no one will understand. I can’t have my parents worried for me about this. They think I am doing good in life and are proud and happy. Don’t wanna take that happiness away from them. That’s the last thing I will do. But the thing remains that I need to work very very very hard. I am a lazy ass mf. I seek motivation and feeling to work when I know I should fucking work without waiting for any motivation to kick in.

Enough. So what should I do?

Well I know what I should be doing. Fucking work, that’s it. Put effort to improve every single day and every single hour, minute and second. Work and not feel insecure. Learning is hard but that’s what will create that great version of me that I envision myself as. It will set me apart from others and one day I will feel proud of the money I earn without feeling this guilt.

Why to work? Lets connect this with life

• learning = confidence
• confidence = better work everyday
• better work = recognition and praise
• recognition = better pay/ money
• money = buying dreams and making my parents happy

it’s that simple. Why do I need any other motivation? Imagining my mother’s face and happiness in it when she gets her own house will be greater than any thing I ever achieve in life. Life is short and I wont get much chances to make my mom and dad happy so I should do it. After all, no one loves me uncondtionally like my mom and dad do.

Sujan dai is also starting to build his life and dream from scracth. He is so composed and talented and hard working, what can’t I be like that? he made himself that way. So can I. I am also a genius and smart boy, the only thing left to solve happiness equation is my hard work, relentless hard work.

There is 24 hours in a day. I feel like I am wasting all of them haha

Lets plan on how to utilize them:

• sleep = 6/7 hrs
• lawpath = 8 hrs
• misc (food, travel, enjoy) = 6 hrs
• other project (frank directory and diyo) = 2 hrs

Well this is how I plan everyday but am not being able to do well on any. I sleep poorly. Those 8 hrs I should give to lawpath, I waste many of them, works pile up and I can’t focus on my side projects. I am so poor at managing tasks.

What should I do then now?

Hmm… First I should learn to go in the state of flow and not come out of it without completing my goal. Sujan dai also told me he is like this. The problem that I am working on or the skill that I am trying to accquire should be the only thing that I should focus on in that state of flow. Turn the whole world off till then. Literally, turn every fucking thing down until you succeed. These little success will pile up and eventually I will left with a big reward.

Overwhelming task?

First ask for clear instructions. Got the whole work picture? Break them down. Try to work on the first chunk very quickly. Go in that flow state. Instant work and push. Then maybe seek feedback.

Things are hard to learn and wrap head around

You must accept that things will be hard to learn. Dont compare yourself with those who know the stuff that you dont. Who knows how much effort they put behind it? Maybe the did more than you’ve ever done, that’s why they know that they know. Dont be afraid to put in the work.

Once you skip and delay the work, it will only get harder later on in life. This is not supposed to be easy. Fall in love with doing the hard things. Embrace the journey and feel it.

Who you need?

I dont need to seek emotional support. I am a man and I should be strong enough to handle my emotions myself. Maybe write journals like this once in a while to feel light and talk to myself. I dont need to talk to any friend cause they wont understand and perhaps they are in worse condition in life than me.

All I need is me, my will power, my moms face in my heart, grace of god, my Lord Krishna and dedication to see everything through in life.